Six Essential Qualities for Coaching Success.

Robin
Sep 9
4 min read

Updated: Sep 10

Growth happens on purpose.

Six Essential Qualities for Coaching Success

Just about anyone who has consulted or worked with me has heard me say, "I don't work miracles," or "In coaching, you will only make the amount of progress that you invest in by doing the work between meetings."

This means that there are certain qualities that each person needs to bring to our coaching relationship, regardless of their neurotype, to receive the maximum impact.

Here are six essential qualities that contribute to coaching success:

1. Safety

Safety - The ability to create and maintain physical, emotional, and psychological safety for yourself and others. This involves regulating your emotions, communicating calmly, creating and respecting boundaries, and identifying and eliminating manipulative behaviors. It also requires understanding that couples work prioritizes safety and may involve individual work and personal changes to create a safe environment before couples work can begin, including making difficult decisions like living separately when necessary.

Without safety, there is no truth, and coaching cannot happen.

Within safety, all things are possible.

Example: Managing your emotional reactions during difficult conversations, stating when you need a break, respecting your partner's boundaries, doing individual therapy to address anger issues, recognizing when separation is necessary for physical safety, and replacing manipulation with direct, honest communication.

2. Openness

Openness - The willingness to examine yourself honestly and humbly. Being open requires removing defensiveness to consider new perspectives, being curious about your own patterns, behaviors, and blind spots rather than protecting your current way of thinking, and taking responsibility when you make mistakes. Openness may mean investigating your neurotype and accepting a new understanding of how your brain works.

Openness is the key that leads to awareness.

Example: Researching and reflecting on how your brain works, acknowledging when your ADHD impulsivity caused hurt in your relationship, and staying curious about better approaches rather than getting defensive. I

t may mean hearing your partner's perspective and considering it as valid.

3. Growth Mindset

Growth Mindset - The belief that abilities, patterns, and challenges can be developed through effort and learning, combined with the willingness to set meaningful goals and believe you can create change by achieving them.

A Growth mindset highlights that anything is possible; the question is how?

Example: Understanding that your brain works differently and that growth means working with your neurotype rather than against it.

Believing you can develop better systems and strategies that fit how you naturally function.

4. Agency

Agency - The practice of translating intention into action by actively moving from desire into concrete steps. This means bridging the gap between "I want to change this" and actually doing the work of change, overcoming inertia and the tendency to stay stuck in planning or wanting mode.

Agency is the leader that moves us from being the "victim" to a place of thriving.

Example: Moving from "I want better communication with my partner" to actually practicing new communication techniques that work for both your neurotypes, even when it feels awkward at first.

Living and using new communication patterns that honor how you and your partner are wired, rather than just talking about labels.

5. Commitment & Discipline

Commitment & Discipline - Dedicating yourself fully to the coaching process and your goals while consistently following through with concrete actions. This means showing up reliably, completing agreed-upon work between sessions, reflecting on what works and what doesn't, and maintaining steady effort, especially when motivation is low, obstacles arise, or the work becomes challenging.

Commitment and discipline continue to take action when feelings do not align.

Example: Consistently using the organizational systems or communication strategies you've developed, even during stressful periods or when your ADHD makes it harder to maintain routines.

Keeping prescheduled planning meetings even when you're tired.

6. Collaboration

Collaboration - Working together with your coach and partner (if applicable) while trusting the process. Co-creating and experimenting with new strategies as you move toward your goals. This includes being transparent about progress and setbacks, accepting accountability, having the freedom to make mistakes, taking responsibility when you mess up, and engaging cooperatively rather than defensively.

Collaboration creates a cooperative community that works together rather than competing.

Example: Being honest about what accommodations you need, advocating for your processing style, showing empathy in the way that works for your partner, apologizing when you respond with a defensive reaction, and working collaboratively to find solutions that honor both partners' neurotypes rather than trying to mask or change who you are. Welcoming your coach and partner to offer safe feedback and being willing to try new approaches.

These six qualities work together to create the foundation for meaningful change.

Coaching is a collaborative process where you and I work as a team toward your goals—but the progress you make depends entirely on what you bring to that partnership. When you show up with these qualities, real transformation becomes possible. And here's what I've learned after years of doing this work: the people who embrace these qualities don't just change their relationships—they change their lives.

I've seen it happen countless times, and I know it can happen for you too.