"Personality, History and Neurology"

Understanding the Three Aspects Each Person Brings to a Neurodiverse Relationship.

Understanding what each partner brings to a neurodiverse relationship is foundational to building a healthy, thriving partnership. Too often, couples struggle with misunderstandings and conflicts without recognizing the deeper layers that influence how they connect, communicate, and love. By examining these core aspects, couples can move beyond surface-level frustrations to develop genuine empathy and effective strategies for growth together.

In working with couples, each person must take responsibility for their own growth before and during the work they are doing together to improve their relationship.

In "The Autism Couples Workbook; Second Edition," Maxine Aston explains that each person brings three fundamental aspects to their relationship: their history, their personality, and their neurology. Understanding these three components helps us see ourselves and our partners more clearly, building bridges of curiosity and compassion.

History:

A person's history encompasses all of their lived experiences that occurred prior to meeting their partner, along with the impact those experiences have had on them—both positive and negative. Examples include childhood experiences, family history and relationships, culture, past relationships, attachment patterns that have developed over time, beliefs and values, trauma, emotional/mental health strengths and challenges, as well as physical health strengths and challenges, etc.

Personality:

Personality is the unique combination of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that make each person who they are. Like history, personality encompasses both strengths and challenges. Examples of personality traits include optimistic, creative, loyal, funny, independent, assertive, perfectionistic, joyful, introverted, extroverted, and many others that describe how we naturally and consistently show up in the world.

Neurology:

Neurology refers to each person's nervous system, including the brain, spinal cord, and peripheral nerves. Each person brings a unique neurotype that encompasses their sensory information processing, executive function capabilities, neurologically based health conditions, brain-based learning differences, and overall information processing style. Some neurotypes align with the majority patterns of thinking. In contrast, others fall into what we refer to as neurodivergent, which often includes autism, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia, Tourette's syndrome, and other neurological differences. These neurodivergent neurotypes frequently exist together in the same person.

Many people enter marriage assuming they think like their partner, only to find themselves feeling that their partner is intentionally causing them problems. When we step back and evaluate these three aspects, we discover places where we can better understand ourselves and build bridges to our partners through curiosity and compassion—for both ourselves and them.

If you imagine the couple as a Venn diagram with two intersecting circles (like the one below), you can see that each aspect both partners carry into their relationship impacts the other person in that overlapping middle space. While it's common for mental health professionals to address history and personality with individuals and couples, it requires someone trained explicitly in understanding neurological diversity to help couples grow in their understanding of how neurology affects their relationship. These professionals also tend to have some form of lived experience that brings an even deeper level of understanding and compassion to their professional helping position.

Each person in a Couples Relationship brings their Personality, History and Neurology to their relationship.

When couples begin to understand and appreciate these three aspects in themselves and their partner—history, personality, and neurology—they move from judgment and frustration toward genuine understanding and connection. This awareness transforms how they see not only their differences but also the unique gifts each person brings to their shared life together.

Reference:

Aston, M. (2019). The autism couple's workbook (2nd ed.). Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

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