Intent vs Impact: Why This Matters in Neurodiverse Relationships.

Before we delve into the kinds of behaviors that emerge between people in neurodiverse couples, let's discuss a fundamental truth: Intent is not the same as impact.

What is the difference?

Intent is the reason someone does something. It's the "why" behind the behavior. While people love to guess why someone did what they did, the only person who truly knows their intent is the person themselves. And honestly? Sometimes, they don't even know. This is particularly common for neurodivergent people; if that's you, working on building this awareness (perhaps with a qualified coach) can be really helpful.

Intent is often confused with impact, especially when couples argue about their differing perspectives (those unique angles from which we each view the same situation). However, what's important to understand is that impact is not the same as intent.

Impact is the result of a behavior, plain and simple. It exists regardless of what the person intended. When we understand this, we are more likely to stay calm, become curious about our partner, and may be less likely to form a judgment that assigns the wrong intent to our partner.

Wait—what does this mean?

Let me give you an example:

Consider a car accident. In a car accident, a person almost certainly didn't intend to crash into another vehicle. That's why we refer to it as an "accident" rather than an "on purpose". Regardless, the impact, the crunched metal, the whiplash, the insurance headaches, the stress, all of that is real, regardless of intent. The driver didn't mean to cause harm, but harm happened and requires specific actions/attitudes to repair the situation.

The same thing happens in our relationships every single day. In neurodiverse relationships, this distinction becomes especially important. A neuro-majority thinking partner (not neurodivergent) might see a behavior and assign an intent based on their understanding of the majority culture's social norms or neurological thought patterns, or vice versa, the neurodivergent partner may assign intent to their neurodivergent partner based on their logic. Meanwhile, their partner may have acted with completely different intent—or perhaps with no conscious intent at all. Yet, the impact on both partners remains real and valid (and may require repair work, which we'll explore in a later post).

Here's the key takeaway:

*Both intent and impact matter.

-Not having intent to cause harm doesn't magically erase the hurt that was caused.

-Experiencing hurt doesn't automatically imply that your partner intended harm.

*Learning to distinguish between these two concepts and communicate effectively about both is essential for building understanding and connection.

*Harm or hurt caused to either partner, regardless of intent, needs to be repaired for each person to feel valued and to re-establish an emotional and sometimes physical connection.

In this blog series, we'll explore specific behaviors that commonly occur in neurodiverse relationships, examining their potential meanings (intent and impact) from various perspectives.

Once we understand that the same behavior can have very different intentions (often dependent on a person's brain type), we can replace judgment with curiosity about why our partner acted as they did. We can offer compassion to both the person who was hurt and the person who unintentionally caused the harm. Knowing this is the start of having more productive conversations and building stronger relationships.

Ready to dive in? In our next blog, we'll explore how intent vs. impact plays out in one of the most misunderstood behaviors in neurodiverse relationships: stonewalling. Stay tuned!

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