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Do You Know What a Relationship Is?

  • Writer: Robin
    Robin
  • 3 days ago
  • 3 min read


The overlooked definition every brain needs.

By Robin Tate (Part 1 of 3)


As a coach I work to help couples build a bridge between their neurotypes. This requires talking about multiple kinds of relationships — relationship to self as well as relationship to others.


In building awareness and taking action to meet their goals, we identify strengths and challenges for each person. We talk about different brain types, attachment styles, family of origin, learned behaviors, and each person's unique personality.

What is interesting is that more often than not, I discover that couples do not know what a relationship is.


Now that may sound outrageous or even a bit judgmental. But before you dismiss it, consider this.


It is entirely possible for someone — particularly a neurodivergent person — to have a sophisticated, high-level vocabulary and still not know the meaning of words most people consider basic. High language and common language are not the same thing. A person can speak eloquently and still never have learned what the word "relationship" actually means.


And even among people who do have a definition, no two people are guaranteed to have the same one. Each person brings their own understanding, their own expectations, and their own assumptions about what a word means and what it requires of them. Two people can agree they want a healthy relationship and be picturing something completely different. This is why before we can work on anything, we have to slow down long enough to build a shared definition — one that everyone has actually agreed to. Without that, we are not working on the same thing, even when it looks like we are. And in neurodiverse couples work specifically, beginning without that definition risks missing the goal entirely — or losing an element so foundational that everything built on top of it is off.


Pause and think about this for a second.


Were you ever directly taught what elements create a healthy relationship of any kind? Go one step further. How did you learn what a couples relationship is supposed to involve?

If you are like most of the couples I meet — and myself included — nobody taught us. But what if you did not have the opportunity to grow up around people with healthy relationships? Or what if you did, but those relationships did not model healthy conflict resolution or show you how they built and maintained friendship over time? What if some of that work was happening but not in a way that was obvious to you?


Perhaps you saw some of the concrete details but missed a lot of the emotional nuance. The conversations that happened behind closed doors. The repair that took place when you were not in the room. The daily small choices that kept two people connected.

Like most people, you would make assumptions based on what you see in real life, on social media, and in entertainment. You would take that information and draw conclusions about what you want in a relationship. Perhaps you would even look for someone who seems to fulfill those criteria.


Maybe this would work if you had seen healthy relationships modeled.


If you understood the basic needs of people in relationship. And if you had considered your own impact on the other person you want to be with.


But since most people focus on what they want rather than what they bring, and knowing that estimates suggest around 40 to 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, the idea that we will simply learn how to be in a relationship by watching others is largely outdated. And for too many people, it just is not working.


This is why most of the people I meet arrive carrying unhealthy relational patterns. And that is not a judgment. It is just what happens when nobody hands you the blueprint.


So what does the blueprint look like? In the next post we look at what a relationship is NOT. In the post after that we get into what it actually IS.


Stay with me.


I write regularly about neurodiverse relationships and the things nobody taught us but everyone deserves to know.


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Robin Tate, MA, MS, BCC, ACC, CAS

© 2026 Robin Tate LLC. All rights reserved.


References (APA 7th Edition)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). National marriage and divorce rate trends. Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov

U.S. Census Bureau. (2024). Marriage and divorce data visualization. Retrieved from https://www.census.gov


 
 
 

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